With the way things are going, it’s easy to lose sight of what matters. I’m well aware that I’ve been living off the grid lately. To be honest, I think I like it better this way. The moment I realized it was pointless to try and live up to a perception that I would like other people to have of me was the moment that I became free. Well, as free as I can possibly be. There are things I still have to live up to. Even more so these days, actually.
To be honest, most of the time, I feel like I’ve been lobotomized. True story. It’s like I’ve shut off a part of myself and after that, I’m a totally different person.
When you do place emotions out of the equation, you get things done. Given the fact that for the past two or so years, I’ve gotten distracted with workplace shenanigans, I’ve always thought I could have it both, you know? And I did try.
Contrary to popular belief, I don’t make it a habit to fuck with men’s minds. I really don’t. I just say I’m in it because I’m curious and then annoyingly enough, my feelings just fuck up my judgment and then all hell breaks loose when I start to have feelings for the guy. I’d go over case studies with you but I have to work out in a bit so I don’t have time.
Yes, there have been guys since the Charlie Brown incident. The fact that I stopped giving a damn about being okay actually made things easier for me. Apparently self sufficiency is indeed very hot. So it’s still pretty weird to have guys tell me “You’re the coolest girl at work, blahblahblah”, “I texted you, asking you to go out when I was in the South”, and so on and so forth. The closest I ever got to hanging out with someone (and not having my short attention span mess things up) was with this guy, but even that didn’t work out because I left him, too. The only semblance of a frielationship I have is with my ex, but then that doesn’t really make me lose control or anything like that, so that’s okay. It’s carefully rationed.
Him: I promise you one thing. I’ll always be your man. Well, at least until you decide to get a new boyfriend.
Me: But you’ve always been my man. You’re just someone else’s guy now, but you’ve always been mine.
So yeah. We’re not committed to each other or anything, we just have fun with that wee bit of chemistry we have left from our past and we flirt but that’s about it. It doesn’t make or break my day. It’s safe with him. He doesn’t make me go insane or derail my career.
Thing is, I don’t really care about any of that at the moment. It’s nice, sure. But it’s not the only thing that builds my ego these days, so with or without all of that, I’m good. Of course, it is pretty fab to be with it. Hahaha
Yesterday, this 30+ year old guy I met a couple of months back (Well, there are two of older dudes I met back then who like me, only the other one I kind of hurt cos I just played with his brain so now I think he hates me. I know this might seem to completely negate my earlier statement about not making it a habit to fuck with men’s minds but I really am not that kind of girl. Anymore. Seriously. I’m actually the moral compass of the group nowadays.)
Anyway, Guy 2 drunk texted me. You do know that I actually like guys who are older than me, and notwithstanding his choice of wardrobe, he’s actually a pretty decent looking dude.
Thing is, he’s not very bright. That’s pretty much the dealbreaker right there. But anyway, since I was bored and felt nothing for him, I replied. But only for a while. Upon realizing that it was like talking to a brick wall, I just stopped replying. I do find his flirting style amusing. I would have liked to dissect his thoughts but it soon became clear that his thought process wasn’t sufficient enough to be warranted a thorough dissection. You know what I like. The in-between, the conflict between the good and the bad, the inner struggle, passion, desire, and the drive to live.
To be fair, he did make a valiant effort. He bounced back fairly well after several put-downs about his age and his lousy flirting method.
As these things go, my emotions are currently locked away and so it was easy to just leave him. I’ve never been this mean before. Okay I have, but I’m colder than usual. Not just with this. With work, too. I’m more ruthless and aggressive and driven.
Sometimes I wonder about the kind of person I’m becoming.